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MBA Follies Preview!

Just to get everyone excited, here is a sneak preview of one of the MBA follies sketches. It's a hilarious parody of the "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" commercials.

"I'm a Duke, I'm a UNC"

more to come ... stay tuned!






of course... full credit to the original...




Don’t miss the MBA follies! Next Friday, the 27th....

What's IN and OUT for Mod 4

What's Hot and Not in 2007

IN	OUT
Jim Daley Drunk at Lucy’s	Ari Cassuto Drunk at Tailgates
Metro-sexual Extraordinaire: Jeff Andrews	Metro-sexual Extraordinaire: Tom Beamon
1st Year Country Club Couples	Uber Secret Lame 2nd Year Bowling League
Single Amy Hasler	Relationship Amy Hasler
Henry Newton and High School Students	Henry Newton and Undergrads
Eugene Watkin’s Three Points	Allen Eng's Blog
First year Sudrutai Chiruppapa (better known as Pak)	Second year Siriporn Boonchalurmvipat (better known as Im)
Purposely Left Blank	Ben Basil's Sweat … no, I mean really, that's just always OUT
Unemployment	Closed Lists
Never Wearing Croakies Again	Croakies
Living in Charlotte	Living in Chapel Hill
Experience Weekend	Every Single Female in the MBA Program

The Top 10 Other CNN / Fortune Ranking Mistakes

1. "Detroit" missing from list of Worst U.S. Cities
2. "France" missing from list of Countries Most Likely to Surrender
3. "Gettin' Da Herp" missing from Reasons to Avoid Player’s Night Club
4. "Popped Collars" mising from list of Ways to Identify a Douche Bag
5. "Breasts” missing from list of Things Guy’s Like to Look At
6. "Zoomerang surveys" missing from Top Things in an MBA Student's Deleted Item's Folder.
8. "Beef" missing from list of What's for Dinner.
9. "That other school down the road" missing from list of Lame Ass References to Duke by Core Professors.
10. "Time-out chicken" missing from Reasons I Got Shot.

Thai Economy Slips on Exit of UNC Exchange Students.

While the Thai economy is well diversified and capable of withstanding even severe market adjustments, the exit of several UNC exchange students has caused unexpected turbulence to its stability. Fortunately, this disturbance seems limited to certain “entertainment” sectors of the economy. However, the overall impact still managed to cause a 15% drop in the Thai GDP.

The Thai ambassador is now frantically working with Patricia Collins to find suitable replacements to the missing KFBS students. At present, he is holding out all hope for something he knows only vaguely as "MOD 3". The Onyen recommends that you have your exchange applications turned in as soon as possible so this problem can be addressed immediately and stability can be reestablished in the Thai economy.

Barbara Ann Aversano Signs 10 year Deal with Alta Springs

The popular Alta Spring Apartment complex released a statement yesterday announcing that they signed a 10 year housing commitment from Barbara Ann. This is a major win for Alta, as the local media has been filled with speculation of her negotiating a new contract with Autumn Woods.

Serageldin Seeks Reelection, Will Not ‘Go Quietly Into the Night’

Former MBASA President Ramy Serageldin (pronounced Serageldin) has requested a recount in the recent election that placed John Chapman as his successor. Citing ‘unfairness’ in MBASA’s unwillingness to allow a two-term President, Serageldin has called into question the fact that 1st years were not at least given the opportunity to vote for him. “I’ve spent a full year trying to lay a solid foundation with these 1st years to make a 2nd term possible. I mean, you’ve seen me out there. When I work a room of 1st years, it’s a thing of beauty … Ali didn’t float around prettier than I do around these young chumps.” Serageldin continued, “I’m virile, established and you all know that they want me back in the driver’s seat.”

MBA Program Director, Michael Stepanek, requested that Serageldin ‘move on’ and ‘just get a job like the other 1/3 of his classmates’ who have found gainful employment. Speaking with some of Serageldin’s classmates revealed the following, “Ramy has really gotten drunk on power this past year. It would be frighteningly disgusting if it weren’t so sad.” Others indicated, “I think this latest rampage is primarily being fueled by late night Jaeger Bombs.” Serageldin countered, “These people are under the impression that employment in a city hundred of miles outside of Chapel Hill will keep me out of office next year. What foolish, foolish souls. They don’t know what lengths I will go to get back to playing video games 80% of my day and pointing out attractive undergrads to my friends the rest of the day.”

Bylinksi: "LANG... I AM YOUR FATHER"

In a move that is sure to shock all Kenan-Flagler students, Joe Bylinski recently informed Mark Lang about his true biological history. Bylinski confesses, “That’s why I’m always harping on him class. Because I care so much about him and I’m so proud of him.” Students have recognized the resemblance for years, but Bylinski has previously denied the connection. Even though it's well known Bylinski spread his seed like peanut butter back in the 60's. “Come on, guys. You gotta know I’ve always had a vested interest in Mark. I pulled strings for him at Chicago GSB. I made sure he was placed well at Stanford. And then I convinced the dean to recruit him to Carolina. I wanted to be close to my son,” says Bylinski.

Lang vehemently denies that the two are related, “This is just another one of Joey B’s shticks.” Meanwhile, Bylinski, who claims to have DNA proof of the connection, is optimistic about a family reunion in the very near future, “I’m at a place in my life where I want to be honest with those who matter the most. That reminds me, I've got some important news for John Chapman”.

McColl Building to Undergo Yearly Pastel Renovation: Color Scheme Will Feature Pink Walls and Ansel Adams Photos

MBA Administration recently announced that the business school’s new interior design will actually be a yearly rotation of pastels and different art styles. This year’s canary yellow and impressionistic art will transition into pink walls with black and white Ansel Adams art for the 2008 school year. The new furniture in the halls will also be transitioned on a yearly basis. Next year’s furniture will have a more modern look. The renovations are estimated to cost the school more than 20 students tuition worth per year.

Dean Jones fully supports the renovation expenses, but is concerned about the influx of pastel coloring into the building. A recent study of the entire business school population revealed that 83% of all undergraduates who attend classes in McColl wear some version of a pastel-colored polo on a daily basis. Jones is considering banning pastel polos until further notice. “I just think it gets to be too much. I came into school the other day and all I saw were bright pinks and yellows. Something definitely needs to be done about that. However, I think this sends a strong signal to our students about the importance of embracing change. This will help them understand that change is good – especially when you’re dealing with pastels.”

1st Submission in the always ongoing "Dook Sucks Competition"

Fuqua announces schedule for Orientation 2007

On behalf of the Fuqua MBA program, we officially want to welcome you to Dook! Our Orientation program is designed to get you acquainted to life in picturesque Durham and introduce you to the rest of your classmates. We invite you to attend the following presentations and workshops, designed by our own staff to make your transition as quick and easy as possible. The schedule includes:

Dealing with Failure: Most incoming Fuqua students arrive facing the disappointment of having been rejected by all of the Ivy League business schools. It’s okay to be bitter about this - at Fuqua, it’s completely normal. In this seminar, we tackle these feelings of rejection, as well as the painful process of telling your father you won’t be attending his alma mater. Important topics covered will be: denial of failure, pretending to be happy, and convincing yourself and others that Duke is “just like the Harvard of the South.”

Superiority for Dummies: You have officially been accepted to Dook. From now on, you will have a lifelong duty to look down upon graduates of any other business program. Although the admissions department chose you after recognizing signs of arrogance and perceived superiority, we hope to complete your transition into a flaming asshole as soon as possible. We will cover such topics as convincing yourself that you’re smarter than everyone else in the room, explaining away repeated case competition defeats, how best to show off your Napoleon Complex and, most importantly, mentioning Dook within the first five minutes every time you meet someone.

The Enemy Within: Unlike most other schools, we encourage you to treat your fellow classmates as nothing more than roadblocks between you and your dream job back in New York. In order to succeed at Fuqua, you will need to be willing to trample over your friends and family for your own personal gain. We will give you useful tips, including: how to make others look bad in front of recruiters, sabotaging classmates’ projects and making sure your roommate has explosive diarrhea on the morning of 2nd round interviews.

From Average to Blah: We believe that having a personality can only get you in trouble in the long-run. In order to assimilate into our culture here at Fuqua, we ask you to leave all individualism at the door. While this may have a negative effect on the prior relationships you’ve developed over the years, we urge you to leave them all behind and join us. You’re now among like-minded individuals whose only goal is to get the best available I-Banking job after graduation. Start working on being boring now. You’ll thank us later.

UNC Sux 101: This is one of our most popular seminars every year. In this hour-long session, we will cover ways in which you can make fun of the neighboring school to our south. Since most of you had never even been to North Carolina before enrolling in our program, we will give you tips in criticizing America’s first state university. We will provide you with the basic jokes, including: Agriculture-themed curricula, having a lighter shade of blue, “What the hell is a Tar Heel anyway?” and “safety school”. Time permitting, we will also cover “yo mama” and “you might be a redneck if…” jokes.

Be Your Own Borat: Inspired by an actual student presentation, all incoming Fuqua students are encouraged to embrace the hilarious antics of Sacha Baron Cohen’s “Borat” character. This seminar will teach you how to create completely unoriginal Borat-themed comedies. Don’t be the last member of your family to imitate Baron’s wacky antics. Jagshemash!

Surviving Durham: Led by retired General Tommy Franks, this session will help you prepare for life in Durham. Using survival tactics developed by his soldiers in Fallujah and the mountains of Afghanistan, Gen. Franks will teach you how to protect yourself from the snipers and mortar attacks frequently seen in and around Durham; live ordinance training will be included. Using his techniques, you will be able to safely travel to Durham’s 9th Street, home to over 3 restaurants, 2 bookstores, a thrift store, and a coffee shop.

Unleashing Your “Inner” Dook Student: Our final session will illustrate how to redesign yourself using everything learned thus far in Orientation. We will use elements of prior sessions to develop whichever type of self-centered douchebag is right for you. Local exotic dancers will be on hand to test the extent of your transition from “Dook potential” to “Dook material”.

Darden Plans Second “Innovation Challenge”

The University of Virginia’s Darden School of Business announced on Wednesday that the school will host another “Innovation Challenge” this January. Darden, which had a whopping 58 teams enter the contest that began on November 17th, failed to place any teams in the final round. The school’s Dean had the following statement, “Frankly, we’re not very good at ‘innovation’ [the Dean made quotation signals with his hands when using this word], but we’re not quitters. That’s not the ‘Darden way.’ The ‘Darden way’ involves an aloofness and go-get-‘em attitude rarely seen at other institutions. Therefore, we will have a better showing this January and we are requiring all UVA participants, male and female, to wear bowties to this next event.” Darden has entered 220 teams thus far in the upcoming January “Innovation Challenge.” The only other schools who have currently received invitations to the competition are Northeastern Montana State, Strayer University and the University of Phoenix. As of today, no companies have signed up to sponsor the event.

KFBS Photo Hunt

Frank Ethridge Caught Excited During Class

Matt Williams Proves that Jared is Not the Only One to Benefit from the Subway Diet

Ari Cassuto Finally Snaps and Turns into Evil Monkey During Drunken Tailgate Session

Adam Josephson Secretly Plotting to Take Over the World

Ron Clabo’s Leftorium Set to Open December 1st

Disco Jay Loves Disco Music

Parker Knight Accepts Job Offer from Duff Beer

Katie Simpson Marries for Love ....

… of Drag Racing!! In a move that hasn’t shocked many 2nd year KFBS students, Katie Simpson admitted that her primary motive for getting engaged this past summer was to be allowed access to her fiancé’s 911 Porsche, “I was just getting so tired of Kyle Woodley ruling Chapel Hill’s underground world of drag racing with his souped up blue Subaru that I had to take action. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Tommy [Katie’s future hubby] is great and I love him and shit … but come on!! People were starting to call Kyle ‘Too Fast, Too Furious’ Woodley. I wanted … no, I needed to break down his street cred to a more acceptable level. With Tommy’s ride, I feel like I can accomplish that goal.”

Another recent entrant to Chapel Hill’s dangerous street racing circuit is Preston Meyer with his Boxster Porsche. When asked to comment on Preston’s Boxster, Woodley and Simpson simultaneously chimed, “Yeah … he’s got himself a cute little car.”

The first race of Chapel Hill’s Drag Racing Circuit is scheduled to take place at an undisclosed time (probably on a Thursday night) in an undisclosed seedy location (probably near Lucy’s). Wherever and whenever it happens, fans of the sport agree that this season is shaping up have one of the most dramatically intense storylines they have ever experienced. The Onyen promises to keep you informed of any updates.

Connolly Refuses to Reveal 'the Trick of It'

Much to the dismay of Professor Robert Connolly’s exiting first year students, Micro Econ adjourned without any revelation pertaining to the “trick” referred to regularly by the Professor during his class.

Confusion persisted after a full Module of Connolly preempting subject matter with the phrase, “The trick of it is…” followed by an explanation lost on much of the class.

“I mean, I really thought he was going to teach me some type of magic trick that would enhance my understanding of Marginal Revenue or a Demand Function in Q-Form,” indicated one 1st year KFBS MBA student, “but all he did was show another colorful slide and instruct us to hit it with a 'calculus stick.' Whatever that f*% that is!”

This 1st year's opinion seems to be representative of the KFBS first year class. However, many are still hopeful that they will receive a “P” when Connolly posts grades, presumably sometime in early 2009.

If nothing else, this represents that getting your MBA is not all fun and games. As one 1st year indicated “I never DID see that 'calculus stick' and, God willing, I hope I never do.”

Dean Jones visits the Business School

To the shock and delight of the Graduate and Undergraduate class of UNC’s prestigious Business School, Dean Steve Jones visited the McCall Building for over an hour last Wednesday afternoon. In honor of the occasion, many classes were cancelled or delayed for the remainder for the day, in order to allow the student body properly celebrate the event.

Elbow deep in the Onyen Archives

Due to massive laziness, even with an embarrassingly easy 4.5 credit hours. The editors have decided to bring back some “classic” onyen humor! We are sure you’ll find these as clever and relevant as ever. If not, why don’t get off your ass and try creating something!

Onyen Classic - Interview Questions

The Onyen finds the real answers!

What is your greatest weakness?
My inability to answer stupid, irrelevant questions.

Tell me about a team experience and what role did you play?
Well, this one time a friend and I met this girl in a bar and then…..Hold on
a second, this isn’t an appropriate story.

How would your study group members describe you?
Their description would probably be limited by the fact that they hardly
ever see me. However, I am sure the will employ the words, “Big Hairy
Gorilla” and several creative obscenities.

Walk me through your resume.
I would, but you would have to scrape your shoes off afterwards and the
smell will make you want to leave the room.

What does success mean to you?
Success means not having to get my ass out of bed to kiss yours.

Tell me about a time you overcame adversity.
I once defended a remote Inuit village from a band of ill-tempered snow seals using only a spatula and twenty yards of whale gut. The tribal elders elevated me to deity status and erected a mammoth bone monument in my honor.
Oh wait, what I really did was re-price Oreo’s.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Do I look like Miss Cleo?

Onyen Classic - MBA Horoscopes

Marketing - Your desire to take a job at Coke is predicated by your obsession with the drug trade. Wake up, buttercup, it’s not that kind of Coke!

Consulting - A lack of on-campus recruiting will lead you to expound on your accomplishments and drive for results to your peers. Be careful, they don’t care and it won’t help you get a job anyway.

Investment Banking - The stars predict that you will be visited by three ghosts next Christmas Eve, but unlike Scrooge, you will remain a money grubbing suit that thinks Christmas is a humbug. You might also have to wander the earth for eternity after you die, but at least all of your friends will be there too.

Industry Finance - The realization that you will be applying concepts that you learned in Jennifer Conrad’s class leads you to despair. Luckily, misery loves company so you will have about 90% of the MBA class sulking with you.

Sustainable Enterprise - You will be surprised when the tree hugs back. Too bad you happened to be hugging an evergreen; you will be picking pine needles out of your hair for weeks.

General Management - This week you will be neither general nor managerial. However, your lack of distinct goals will pay off when you find an extra basketball ticket.

Onyen Classic - Ask A Marketing Interview Candidate:

Fresh Advice from a fellow student

Dear Marketing Interview Candidate:

My roommate and I seemed to get a long great at first, but things have turned sour ever since his girlfriend moved in. Can you help us resolve our differences? – Concerned Co-habitator

Dear Concerned:

The foundation of my career has always been teamwork and creativity. You can see from my resume that I have provided innovative, value-added solutions in a myriad of ways, including one incident where I boosted top-line growth by 30% by introducing rural Filipino villagers to our new line of chilled caffeinated breakfast drinks. I called the campaign “Frappes for Foxy Filipinos.” It was a big hit.

Dear Marketing Interview Candidate:

My mother recently moved in with us, and she is not getting along very well with my oldest son. They seem to be at odds over everything, from how long his hair should be to whom he goes out with. Help! – Mother-In-Law Madness

Dear Mother:

First I would look at the product – is this the type of product that complements the Filipino diet of pork, fish, and rice? Then I would look at price to see how many pesos we can extort from these villagers and still give them enough to survive and give us the next generation of addicts, er, consumers. Then I would look at placement – should we put our product in the refrigerator, next to the infant formula, or should it be placed in coolers by the coconut cash register? Finally, I would look at promotion, and make sure that we provide adequate incentives for these people to leave their thatched huts and head down to the general store for more Foxy Frappe.

Dear Marketing Interview Candidate:

I am going to a wedding shower, but all the everyday shower items on the bride’s registry have already been purchased. Would it be appropriate for me to purchase fine china as a shower gift? – Stumped for the Shower

Dear Stumped:

I want to work for McNeil because they are leaders in their field and have pioneered the field of anti-diarrheal marketing. I have never seen a better add campaign than that series of Immodium commercials where people talk about their personal bowel problems with perfect strangers. I can really relate to it because I tell people about my bowel problems all the time. McNeil offers a great working environment, fantastic benefits, and please, oh PLEASE for the LOVE of GOD please please please give me a job I am so desparate I’m BEGGING you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for you time and attention.

Summer Nicknames:

For his familiarity with pop culture from the era of our MBA professors …
Andy “Blue” Standen

For his propensity to stop any conversation you might be having with the opposite sex
Jay “Gamekiller” Galloway

For his wide array of fanciful and elaborate T-shirts …
Tom “Fashionista” Beamon


For her cocksure attitude and go-get-‘em personality
Kate “Cock and Balls” Shallcross


For his lack of male body parts ...
Henry “Vagina” Newton

Just because it’s the best nickname ever...
Ignacio “Nacho” Crisafio

For his knack for breaking female noses with his own forehead (we’re not joking here) …
Jeff “Zidane” Mittelstadt

For his ability to break a cell phone in his own jean pocket via his own profuse sweating (once again, we’re not joking here) …
Ben “Waterboy” Basil

For his current fixation on the recent social interaction website trend …
Todd “Facebook” Young