What's IN and OUT for Mod 4

What's Hot and Not in 2007

IN	OUT
Jim Daley Drunk at Lucy’s	Ari Cassuto Drunk at Tailgates
Metro-sexual Extraordinaire: Jeff Andrews	Metro-sexual Extraordinaire: Tom Beamon
1st Year Country Club Couples	Uber Secret Lame 2nd Year Bowling League
Single Amy Hasler	Relationship Amy Hasler
Henry Newton and High School Students	Henry Newton and Undergrads
Eugene Watkin’s Three Points	Allen Eng's Blog
First year Sudrutai Chiruppapa (better known as Pak)	Second year Siriporn Boonchalurmvipat (better known as Im)
Purposely Left Blank	Ben Basil's Sweat … no, I mean really, that's just always OUT
Unemployment	Closed Lists
Never Wearing Croakies Again	Croakies
Living in Charlotte	Living in Chapel Hill
Experience Weekend	Every Single Female in the MBA Program

The Top 10 Other CNN / Fortune Ranking Mistakes

1. "Detroit" missing from list of Worst U.S. Cities
2. "France" missing from list of Countries Most Likely to Surrender
3. "Gettin' Da Herp" missing from Reasons to Avoid Player’s Night Club
4. "Popped Collars" mising from list of Ways to Identify a Douche Bag
5. "Breasts” missing from list of Things Guy’s Like to Look At
6. "Zoomerang surveys" missing from Top Things in an MBA Student's Deleted Item's Folder.
8. "Beef" missing from list of What's for Dinner.
9. "That other school down the road" missing from list of Lame Ass References to Duke by Core Professors.
10. "Time-out chicken" missing from Reasons I Got Shot.

Thai Economy Slips on Exit of UNC Exchange Students.

While the Thai economy is well diversified and capable of withstanding even severe market adjustments, the exit of several UNC exchange students has caused unexpected turbulence to its stability. Fortunately, this disturbance seems limited to certain “entertainment” sectors of the economy. However, the overall impact still managed to cause a 15% drop in the Thai GDP.

The Thai ambassador is now frantically working with Patricia Collins to find suitable replacements to the missing KFBS students. At present, he is holding out all hope for something he knows only vaguely as "MOD 3". The Onyen recommends that you have your exchange applications turned in as soon as possible so this problem can be addressed immediately and stability can be reestablished in the Thai economy.

Barbara Ann Aversano Signs 10 year Deal with Alta Springs

The popular Alta Spring Apartment complex released a statement yesterday announcing that they signed a 10 year housing commitment from Barbara Ann. This is a major win for Alta, as the local media has been filled with speculation of her negotiating a new contract with Autumn Woods.

Serageldin Seeks Reelection, Will Not ‘Go Quietly Into the Night’

Former MBASA President Ramy Serageldin (pronounced Serageldin) has requested a recount in the recent election that placed John Chapman as his successor. Citing ‘unfairness’ in MBASA’s unwillingness to allow a two-term President, Serageldin has called into question the fact that 1st years were not at least given the opportunity to vote for him. “I’ve spent a full year trying to lay a solid foundation with these 1st years to make a 2nd term possible. I mean, you’ve seen me out there. When I work a room of 1st years, it’s a thing of beauty … Ali didn’t float around prettier than I do around these young chumps.” Serageldin continued, “I’m virile, established and you all know that they want me back in the driver’s seat.”

MBA Program Director, Michael Stepanek, requested that Serageldin ‘move on’ and ‘just get a job like the other 1/3 of his classmates’ who have found gainful employment. Speaking with some of Serageldin’s classmates revealed the following, “Ramy has really gotten drunk on power this past year. It would be frighteningly disgusting if it weren’t so sad.” Others indicated, “I think this latest rampage is primarily being fueled by late night Jaeger Bombs.” Serageldin countered, “These people are under the impression that employment in a city hundred of miles outside of Chapel Hill will keep me out of office next year. What foolish, foolish souls. They don’t know what lengths I will go to get back to playing video games 80% of my day and pointing out attractive undergrads to my friends the rest of the day.”

Bylinksi: "LANG... I AM YOUR FATHER"

In a move that is sure to shock all Kenan-Flagler students, Joe Bylinski recently informed Mark Lang about his true biological history. Bylinski confesses, “That’s why I’m always harping on him class. Because I care so much about him and I’m so proud of him.” Students have recognized the resemblance for years, but Bylinski has previously denied the connection. Even though it's well known Bylinski spread his seed like peanut butter back in the 60's. “Come on, guys. You gotta know I’ve always had a vested interest in Mark. I pulled strings for him at Chicago GSB. I made sure he was placed well at Stanford. And then I convinced the dean to recruit him to Carolina. I wanted to be close to my son,” says Bylinski.

Lang vehemently denies that the two are related, “This is just another one of Joey B’s shticks.” Meanwhile, Bylinski, who claims to have DNA proof of the connection, is optimistic about a family reunion in the very near future, “I’m at a place in my life where I want to be honest with those who matter the most. That reminds me, I've got some important news for John Chapman”.

McColl Building to Undergo Yearly Pastel Renovation: Color Scheme Will Feature Pink Walls and Ansel Adams Photos

MBA Administration recently announced that the business school’s new interior design will actually be a yearly rotation of pastels and different art styles. This year’s canary yellow and impressionistic art will transition into pink walls with black and white Ansel Adams art for the 2008 school year. The new furniture in the halls will also be transitioned on a yearly basis. Next year’s furniture will have a more modern look. The renovations are estimated to cost the school more than 20 students tuition worth per year.

Dean Jones fully supports the renovation expenses, but is concerned about the influx of pastel coloring into the building. A recent study of the entire business school population revealed that 83% of all undergraduates who attend classes in McColl wear some version of a pastel-colored polo on a daily basis. Jones is considering banning pastel polos until further notice. “I just think it gets to be too much. I came into school the other day and all I saw were bright pinks and yellows. Something definitely needs to be done about that. However, I think this sends a strong signal to our students about the importance of embracing change. This will help them understand that change is good – especially when you’re dealing with pastels.”

1st Submission in the always ongoing "Dook Sucks Competition"

Fuqua announces schedule for Orientation 2007

On behalf of the Fuqua MBA program, we officially want to welcome you to Dook! Our Orientation program is designed to get you acquainted to life in picturesque Durham and introduce you to the rest of your classmates. We invite you to attend the following presentations and workshops, designed by our own staff to make your transition as quick and easy as possible. The schedule includes:

Dealing with Failure: Most incoming Fuqua students arrive facing the disappointment of having been rejected by all of the Ivy League business schools. It’s okay to be bitter about this - at Fuqua, it’s completely normal. In this seminar, we tackle these feelings of rejection, as well as the painful process of telling your father you won’t be attending his alma mater. Important topics covered will be: denial of failure, pretending to be happy, and convincing yourself and others that Duke is “just like the Harvard of the South.”

Superiority for Dummies: You have officially been accepted to Dook. From now on, you will have a lifelong duty to look down upon graduates of any other business program. Although the admissions department chose you after recognizing signs of arrogance and perceived superiority, we hope to complete your transition into a flaming asshole as soon as possible. We will cover such topics as convincing yourself that you’re smarter than everyone else in the room, explaining away repeated case competition defeats, how best to show off your Napoleon Complex and, most importantly, mentioning Dook within the first five minutes every time you meet someone.

The Enemy Within: Unlike most other schools, we encourage you to treat your fellow classmates as nothing more than roadblocks between you and your dream job back in New York. In order to succeed at Fuqua, you will need to be willing to trample over your friends and family for your own personal gain. We will give you useful tips, including: how to make others look bad in front of recruiters, sabotaging classmates’ projects and making sure your roommate has explosive diarrhea on the morning of 2nd round interviews.

From Average to Blah: We believe that having a personality can only get you in trouble in the long-run. In order to assimilate into our culture here at Fuqua, we ask you to leave all individualism at the door. While this may have a negative effect on the prior relationships you’ve developed over the years, we urge you to leave them all behind and join us. You’re now among like-minded individuals whose only goal is to get the best available I-Banking job after graduation. Start working on being boring now. You’ll thank us later.

UNC Sux 101: This is one of our most popular seminars every year. In this hour-long session, we will cover ways in which you can make fun of the neighboring school to our south. Since most of you had never even been to North Carolina before enrolling in our program, we will give you tips in criticizing America’s first state university. We will provide you with the basic jokes, including: Agriculture-themed curricula, having a lighter shade of blue, “What the hell is a Tar Heel anyway?” and “safety school”. Time permitting, we will also cover “yo mama” and “you might be a redneck if…” jokes.

Be Your Own Borat: Inspired by an actual student presentation, all incoming Fuqua students are encouraged to embrace the hilarious antics of Sacha Baron Cohen’s “Borat” character. This seminar will teach you how to create completely unoriginal Borat-themed comedies. Don’t be the last member of your family to imitate Baron’s wacky antics. Jagshemash!

Surviving Durham: Led by retired General Tommy Franks, this session will help you prepare for life in Durham. Using survival tactics developed by his soldiers in Fallujah and the mountains of Afghanistan, Gen. Franks will teach you how to protect yourself from the snipers and mortar attacks frequently seen in and around Durham; live ordinance training will be included. Using his techniques, you will be able to safely travel to Durham’s 9th Street, home to over 3 restaurants, 2 bookstores, a thrift store, and a coffee shop.

Unleashing Your “Inner” Dook Student: Our final session will illustrate how to redesign yourself using everything learned thus far in Orientation. We will use elements of prior sessions to develop whichever type of self-centered douchebag is right for you. Local exotic dancers will be on hand to test the extent of your transition from “Dook potential” to “Dook material”.

Darden Plans Second “Innovation Challenge”

The University of Virginia’s Darden School of Business announced on Wednesday that the school will host another “Innovation Challenge” this January. Darden, which had a whopping 58 teams enter the contest that began on November 17th, failed to place any teams in the final round. The school’s Dean had the following statement, “Frankly, we’re not very good at ‘innovation’ [the Dean made quotation signals with his hands when using this word], but we’re not quitters. That’s not the ‘Darden way.’ The ‘Darden way’ involves an aloofness and go-get-‘em attitude rarely seen at other institutions. Therefore, we will have a better showing this January and we are requiring all UVA participants, male and female, to wear bowties to this next event.” Darden has entered 220 teams thus far in the upcoming January “Innovation Challenge.” The only other schools who have currently received invitations to the competition are Northeastern Montana State, Strayer University and the University of Phoenix. As of today, no companies have signed up to sponsor the event.

KFBS Photo Hunt

Frank Ethridge Caught Excited During Class

Matt Williams Proves that Jared is Not the Only One to Benefit from the Subway Diet

Ari Cassuto Finally Snaps and Turns into Evil Monkey During Drunken Tailgate Session

Adam Josephson Secretly Plotting to Take Over the World

Ron Clabo’s Leftorium Set to Open December 1st

Disco Jay Loves Disco Music

Parker Knight Accepts Job Offer from Duff Beer

Katie Simpson Marries for Love ....

… of Drag Racing!! In a move that hasn’t shocked many 2nd year KFBS students, Katie Simpson admitted that her primary motive for getting engaged this past summer was to be allowed access to her fiancé’s 911 Porsche, “I was just getting so tired of Kyle Woodley ruling Chapel Hill’s underground world of drag racing with his souped up blue Subaru that I had to take action. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Tommy [Katie’s future hubby] is great and I love him and shit … but come on!! People were starting to call Kyle ‘Too Fast, Too Furious’ Woodley. I wanted … no, I needed to break down his street cred to a more acceptable level. With Tommy’s ride, I feel like I can accomplish that goal.”

Another recent entrant to Chapel Hill’s dangerous street racing circuit is Preston Meyer with his Boxster Porsche. When asked to comment on Preston’s Boxster, Woodley and Simpson simultaneously chimed, “Yeah … he’s got himself a cute little car.”

The first race of Chapel Hill’s Drag Racing Circuit is scheduled to take place at an undisclosed time (probably on a Thursday night) in an undisclosed seedy location (probably near Lucy’s). Wherever and whenever it happens, fans of the sport agree that this season is shaping up have one of the most dramatically intense storylines they have ever experienced. The Onyen promises to keep you informed of any updates.

Connolly Refuses to Reveal 'the Trick of It'

Much to the dismay of Professor Robert Connolly’s exiting first year students, Micro Econ adjourned without any revelation pertaining to the “trick” referred to regularly by the Professor during his class.

Confusion persisted after a full Module of Connolly preempting subject matter with the phrase, “The trick of it is…” followed by an explanation lost on much of the class.

“I mean, I really thought he was going to teach me some type of magic trick that would enhance my understanding of Marginal Revenue or a Demand Function in Q-Form,” indicated one 1st year KFBS MBA student, “but all he did was show another colorful slide and instruct us to hit it with a 'calculus stick.' Whatever that f*% that is!”

This 1st year's opinion seems to be representative of the KFBS first year class. However, many are still hopeful that they will receive a “P” when Connolly posts grades, presumably sometime in early 2009.

If nothing else, this represents that getting your MBA is not all fun and games. As one 1st year indicated “I never DID see that 'calculus stick' and, God willing, I hope I never do.”

Dean Jones visits the Business School

To the shock and delight of the Graduate and Undergraduate class of UNC’s prestigious Business School, Dean Steve Jones visited the McCall Building for over an hour last Wednesday afternoon. In honor of the occasion, many classes were cancelled or delayed for the remainder for the day, in order to allow the student body properly celebrate the event.

Elbow deep in the Onyen Archives

Due to massive laziness, even with an embarrassingly easy 4.5 credit hours. The editors have decided to bring back some “classic” onyen humor! We are sure you’ll find these as clever and relevant as ever. If not, why don’t get off your ass and try creating something!

Onyen Classic - Interview Questions

The Onyen finds the real answers!

What is your greatest weakness?
My inability to answer stupid, irrelevant questions.

Tell me about a team experience and what role did you play?
Well, this one time a friend and I met this girl in a bar and then…..Hold on
a second, this isn’t an appropriate story.

How would your study group members describe you?
Their description would probably be limited by the fact that they hardly
ever see me. However, I am sure the will employ the words, “Big Hairy
Gorilla” and several creative obscenities.

Walk me through your resume.
I would, but you would have to scrape your shoes off afterwards and the
smell will make you want to leave the room.

What does success mean to you?
Success means not having to get my ass out of bed to kiss yours.

Tell me about a time you overcame adversity.
I once defended a remote Inuit village from a band of ill-tempered snow seals using only a spatula and twenty yards of whale gut. The tribal elders elevated me to deity status and erected a mammoth bone monument in my honor.
Oh wait, what I really did was re-price Oreo’s.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Do I look like Miss Cleo?

Onyen Classic - MBA Horoscopes

Marketing - Your desire to take a job at Coke is predicated by your obsession with the drug trade. Wake up, buttercup, it’s not that kind of Coke!

Consulting - A lack of on-campus recruiting will lead you to expound on your accomplishments and drive for results to your peers. Be careful, they don’t care and it won’t help you get a job anyway.

Investment Banking - The stars predict that you will be visited by three ghosts next Christmas Eve, but unlike Scrooge, you will remain a money grubbing suit that thinks Christmas is a humbug. You might also have to wander the earth for eternity after you die, but at least all of your friends will be there too.

Industry Finance - The realization that you will be applying concepts that you learned in Jennifer Conrad’s class leads you to despair. Luckily, misery loves company so you will have about 90% of the MBA class sulking with you.

Sustainable Enterprise - You will be surprised when the tree hugs back. Too bad you happened to be hugging an evergreen; you will be picking pine needles out of your hair for weeks.

General Management - This week you will be neither general nor managerial. However, your lack of distinct goals will pay off when you find an extra basketball ticket.

Onyen Classic - Ask A Marketing Interview Candidate:

Fresh Advice from a fellow student

Dear Marketing Interview Candidate:

My roommate and I seemed to get a long great at first, but things have turned sour ever since his girlfriend moved in. Can you help us resolve our differences? – Concerned Co-habitator

Dear Concerned:

The foundation of my career has always been teamwork and creativity. You can see from my resume that I have provided innovative, value-added solutions in a myriad of ways, including one incident where I boosted top-line growth by 30% by introducing rural Filipino villagers to our new line of chilled caffeinated breakfast drinks. I called the campaign “Frappes for Foxy Filipinos.” It was a big hit.

Dear Marketing Interview Candidate:

My mother recently moved in with us, and she is not getting along very well with my oldest son. They seem to be at odds over everything, from how long his hair should be to whom he goes out with. Help! – Mother-In-Law Madness

Dear Mother:

First I would look at the product – is this the type of product that complements the Filipino diet of pork, fish, and rice? Then I would look at price to see how many pesos we can extort from these villagers and still give them enough to survive and give us the next generation of addicts, er, consumers. Then I would look at placement – should we put our product in the refrigerator, next to the infant formula, or should it be placed in coolers by the coconut cash register? Finally, I would look at promotion, and make sure that we provide adequate incentives for these people to leave their thatched huts and head down to the general store for more Foxy Frappe.

Dear Marketing Interview Candidate:

I am going to a wedding shower, but all the everyday shower items on the bride’s registry have already been purchased. Would it be appropriate for me to purchase fine china as a shower gift? – Stumped for the Shower

Dear Stumped:

I want to work for McNeil because they are leaders in their field and have pioneered the field of anti-diarrheal marketing. I have never seen a better add campaign than that series of Immodium commercials where people talk about their personal bowel problems with perfect strangers. I can really relate to it because I tell people about my bowel problems all the time. McNeil offers a great working environment, fantastic benefits, and please, oh PLEASE for the LOVE of GOD please please please give me a job I am so desparate I’m BEGGING you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for you time and attention.

Summer Nicknames:

For his familiarity with pop culture from the era of our MBA professors …
Andy “Blue” Standen

For his propensity to stop any conversation you might be having with the opposite sex
Jay “Gamekiller” Galloway

For his wide array of fanciful and elaborate T-shirts …
Tom “Fashionista” Beamon


For her cocksure attitude and go-get-‘em personality
Kate “Cock and Balls” Shallcross


For his lack of male body parts ...
Henry “Vagina” Newton

Just because it’s the best nickname ever...
Ignacio “Nacho” Crisafio

For his knack for breaking female noses with his own forehead (we’re not joking here) …
Jeff “Zidane” Mittelstadt

For his ability to break a cell phone in his own jean pocket via his own profuse sweating (once again, we’re not joking here) …
Ben “Waterboy” Basil

For his current fixation on the recent social interaction website trend …
Todd “Facebook” Young

Val Out Drinks Herself

Last Friday night Val Z., was found in a neighbor’s apartment screaming challenges and obscenities into a mirror. The rant, obviously directed towards her own image, was apparently brought on by the fifteen glasses of wine she was purported to have consumed earlier in the evening. Her slurred rant included such choice phrases as, “Chug! Chug! Chug!”, “You want some more of this, Bitch?” and, of course, “Suck it.” When questioned later about the incident, Val indicated that she has an ongoing drinking competition with herself. “This is a fairly regular challenge I like to give myself. One day, I plan to out drink that person in the mirror. I know that with hard work and dedication, I can reach my goal.”

This episode is reminiscent of an incident last month when Mrs. Z. was charged with making 11 conversation stopping awkward comments during an MBA event. This shattered her previous record of making 3 inappropriate remarks to colleagues during a cocktail social one evening.

Student’s Admission Revoked After Password Incident

On Thursday, incoming KFBS student, Mark Perpanty, received a letter in the mail revoking his previous Kenan-Flagler acceptance letter. The reason: Perpanty failed to create a unique login password for his Onyen account. A disheartened Perpanty explained: "I just wasn't ready for this challenge so early in the year. I guess I tried all the obvious ones and they were all taken. You know, like 08GOtarheels, ilikelittleboyz79! and ashleysimpsonloverforlife69$$."

Seeking an explanation on the retroactive declination, the Onyen set forth its experienced investigative team to discuss the issue with UNC's dean of IT security, Susan Kellogg. Kellogg outlined UNC's policy regarding Onyen passwords. "We give students three tries to create a unique password. Our proprietary programs have identified 6,342,487,432,569,431 possibilities based on the stringent password guidelines. This expands on our IT strategy of reducing the amount of necessary IT support that students so desperately need by unnecessarily shifting resources to the security arena. Perpanty should be held accountable for his lack of creativity."

When pressed for a comment about the situation, UNC Program Director, Michael Stepanek, issued the following statement "We gave that little bitch three tries. Based on his initial performance, it's a wonder he made it through our admissions gauntlet in the first place."

BREAKING NEWS: Local Chapel Hill High School to be Invited to KFBS Spring Formal

For the first time, the KFBS Spring Formal and the Chapel Hill High School Prom will be combined into a single event. While the details are still fresh, this announcement comes as no surprise to many close to the event merger. After a number of joint MBA & UNC Undergrad social functions, it has become apparent to many that the maturity level of the UNC undergrad population is a “real buzz kill” for many MBA students. One source who asked to remain anonymous explained the rationale behind the arrangement, “Undergrads these days just don’t know how to connect with our current MBA class. For instance, I asked an undergrad the other day about their favorite Laguna Beach character and they had to the gall to tell me Tessa. I mean, what the fuck!?! Right? Kyndra is by far the best.” Another anonymous source further summarized, “The bottom line is we feel that by consolidating these two functions we will be able to create some strong synergies between the two groups as we appear to have an awful lot in common.”

Despite Redesign KFBS Facebook Used for Professional Networking

Due to recent student demand, sweeping changes were made to the KFBS Facebook. Each student profile will now include marital status (with significant other’s picture attached), turn-on’s & turn-offs and a swimsuit photo. A controversial special section for ranking the attractiveness of the incoming class is planned for next years Facebook. These changes were hardly appreciated by the multitude of KFBS students who strictly use the Facebook for learning the fascinating career and undergraduate history of fellow students.

Battle Royale Scheduled to Address Length of Shorts

Sascha Schneider and other exchange students will be combating 2nd year Rodgers Harshbarger in a Battle Royale in the yet to be used Death Octagon currently under construction on the 5th floor of the McColl Building. The Battle Royale was initially scheduled to be between Rodgers and a number of KFBS guest speakers and professors who have taken issue with his ability to ask aggressive, yet inquisitive and thought provoking questions during lectures. At a press conference last week however, Rodgers indicated that the direction of the bout would be taking a “180” to address the disparity in the length of Rodgers’ shorts from those of current international MBA students.


Asked to describe the international shorts in question, Rodgers explained, “You know I don’t know if they’re long shorts or short pants. They kind of look like capris … either way, they’re un-American and I won’t stand for them. I mean, look at my short shorts and tell me they aren’t a tried and true American fashion statement. My shorts are almost reminiscent of Daisy Dukes, now what’s not American about that?”

A Note from the Editors

Because we at the Onyen don't feel the miracle of Christmas has been exploited enough, below please find our Holiday Edition, just a few weeks late. Please enjoy the read and good luck on Mod 3 and the second semester.

A note to the half of the Class of 2006 that is going on exchange in Mod III, remember that just because you are on the other side of the world, don't think your debauchery will go unnoticed. We will be using our network of former KFBS exchange students to keep abreast of any of your foolish behaviors!!!

Exchange Student Buddies or Mail-Order Boyfriends???

The Onyen has learned of some serious improprieties with the Exchange Student Buddy Program. The program was set up last year with the aim of pairing visiting exchange students with one of their American classmates to help with the adjustment to life at UNC. However an anonymous source has told The Onyen that the pairing of exchange students with buddies is far from random. In fact, it seems that the program has devolved into a matchmaking service for cronies of organizer Katherine Engstrom.

It appears that Scandinavian men are the hottest commodity for single KFBS women desperate for a date. So it is no surprise that the two Swedish men studying at UNC this semester were buddied with Stephanie Glennon and Clair Plaxton, both close associates of Ms. Engstrom and both single. Ms. Engstrom, who knows something about importing love, could not be reached for comment. The Onyen will keep a vigilant eye cast on Madams Glennon and Plaxton to ensure that they don’t abuse their mentoring positions for romantic gains.

How Casino Night Turned Violent

In the wee hours of the morning on December 11^th, a ruckus Casino Night post-party turned into a scene from Get Rich or Die Trying. At 2:30 AM, a group consisting of 2^nd years and select 1^st years was gathered at 116 Roberson, to put the finishing touches on a magical evening. The euphoria was shattered as a gunman in a passing car fired 50-60 rounds into the living room sending the well dressed revelers diving for cover. Women screamed, men cried. Tolliver Williams used his wife as a human shield. Only one man stood his ground, unfazed by danger. That man was Matt Seals.

Armed only with a stunning white dinner jacket and a smart red cashmere scarf, Seals followed the would-be assassins into the neighboring house in search of vengeance. Upon kicking in the door, he was met with a hail of gunfire. Seals was hit eight times, once in each major organ. He lost ten pints of blood, but not before bludgeoning all four perpetrators to death with their own detached limbs.

Paramedics were called to the scene where they loaded the fallen hero into a waiting ambulance, but not before he finished his beer. “All those bullets, all that blood and his jacket still looked immaculate”, remarked sidekick Tommy Kiler. “The man is a stone cold pimp.”

When the Onyen inquired to Mr. Seals regarding these allegations, he replied, “It’s all true and my upcoming rap album will document my pain.”

Helpful Phrases for Keeping Sexual Deviants at Bay

Ladies, when was the last time you went to Lucy’s on a Thursday night hoping to hook up with Dave Bachstetter, only to end up with Dan Swanstrom. How can a night go so terribly wrong? Sometimes a simple phrase can mean all the difference between a disappointing outcome like this and cutting your losses and going home by yourself.

Well we here at the Onyen want to help you maintain your remaining dignity. That is why we have teamed up with CWIB to compile this list of helpful phrases that let a guy know that there is no chance, no way. So the next time you are dancing to your favorite Journey song with the girls at Lucy’s and some stiff tries to grind up on you, give him the Heisman by dropping one these lines on him:

• Why don’t you go buy us girls a round of drinks …at the Wine Bar.
• I’d like to go home with you tonight, but I have to rush back and check on Littlefield.
• I would kiss you, but your lips have been all over Greg Brown’s ass.
• I don’t do dudes that aren’t sustainable.
• Wouldn’t it make you feel better to get rejected by an undergrad tonight?
• I’d love to practice casing with you, just not in your bedroom.
• Hector’s at 2:30 in the morning is not really my idea of a first date.
• If no one in your own class will hook up with you, what makes you think you’ll have better luck with us 1^st years?
• Me going home with you would be both a Type I & Type II error.
• I’m afraid we’re going to have to pass on you for second rounds.
• I would dance with you, but Tex got dumped again so I promised that I would only dance with him tonight.
• Had you developed better self-awareness in Leading & Managing, you’d realize you have no chance here.
• I’m sure your I-Banking internship would impress someone, just not me.
• The marginal utility of your company declines with each passing second.
• Don’t you have mono, Swanstrom?

An Appreciation of our friend David Teixeira

Never has a man with so little to offer the opposite sex been so bold in the women he chooses to approach as you, David Teixeira. Never have your goofy looks prevented you from pursuing the most stunning girl in the bar. By no means has your limited vocabulary and nonsensical accent stopped you from chatting up sophisticated belles. Not once has it occurred to you that the striking young woman might be bored to tears as you wax poetic about the Red Sox or Patriots or Larry Bird. In no way do you realize that her darting motions are an effort to escape and not a new dance move. Not once have you realized she is laughing at you and not with you.

Not since the Cleveland State Vikings visited the Smith Center has there been such a mismatch in Chapel Hill as you and her. Like the plucky Vikings, you believe you can win when everyone else knows you can’t. You’ll be aggressive and play with heart, but alas, your general lack of skill will result in a massacre with everyone watching. But you are unfazed by failure, undeterred by rejection, unyielding in the face of further humiliation. That is why next Thursday night, instead of succumbing to the inevitable, you put back on your uniform of unmatching rayon and march back to Lucy’s to take one more shot at illusive immortality. And that is why we love you, Tex.

What’s In & What’s Out

With 2006 fast approaching, here is a look at what’s neat and what’s beat in Chapel Thrill.

In	Out
Parker & Henry, Military Police	Kurt & Dave, Fashion Police
Dr. B’s Sexual Innuendo	Mark Lang’ Monologues
Undergrads in tight shorts	Rodgers Harshbarger in tight shorts
Roy Williams	John Bunting (who kicks on 3rd down?)
Dance Fighting with Bill Lam	Dancing with the Stars
Cam Golden’s Comb-Over	Jon Nickel’s Mowhawk
David Noel	Rashad McCants
Lucy’s	Lucy’s
Casino Night at KFBS	Bingo Night at Fuqua
Playing in the World Series of Poker	Having a Real Internship
Pitchers and Pizza at IP3’s	Wing Night at BW3’s
Imports from South America	Exports to South America
2nd Years sleeping-in	1st Years carpooling
Vineyard Vines	North Face
Lost: Season 2	Survivor: Season 13-Wrightsville Beach
Frazier & Tugwell working at Shorty’s	Adam Cogley working it at Lucy’s
Tate Duch’s Girlfriend	Tate Duch

eVite: You are Invited to a Pants Party!

A first year female sent this eVite link to the attention of the Onyen editors. We believe that this is a fabulous way to let women know you are single and ready to mingle and that it is our duty to let the rest of the KFBS community know about it!

Host:	Adam Cogley
Location:	Adam's Pants
When:	Anytime you are available

Yes ladies, you read it correctly. I am inviting you to the best party of the year...the one in my pants. If you are reading this eVite, then consider yourself lucky. You are one of the thousand women that I have invited to the most exclusive party of 2006. Please RSVP as soon as possible - preferably before New Year's Eve. If you have any questions about the pants festivities, you can find me lurking at Lucy's, the Martini Bar, and Deep End.