1st Submission in the always ongoing "Dook Sucks Competition"

Fuqua announces schedule for Orientation 2007

On behalf of the Fuqua MBA program, we officially want to welcome you to Dook! Our Orientation program is designed to get you acquainted to life in picturesque Durham and introduce you to the rest of your classmates. We invite you to attend the following presentations and workshops, designed by our own staff to make your transition as quick and easy as possible. The schedule includes:

Dealing with Failure: Most incoming Fuqua students arrive facing the disappointment of having been rejected by all of the Ivy League business schools. It’s okay to be bitter about this - at Fuqua, it’s completely normal. In this seminar, we tackle these feelings of rejection, as well as the painful process of telling your father you won’t be attending his alma mater. Important topics covered will be: denial of failure, pretending to be happy, and convincing yourself and others that Duke is “just like the Harvard of the South.”

Superiority for Dummies: You have officially been accepted to Dook. From now on, you will have a lifelong duty to look down upon graduates of any other business program. Although the admissions department chose you after recognizing signs of arrogance and perceived superiority, we hope to complete your transition into a flaming asshole as soon as possible. We will cover such topics as convincing yourself that you’re smarter than everyone else in the room, explaining away repeated case competition defeats, how best to show off your Napoleon Complex and, most importantly, mentioning Dook within the first five minutes every time you meet someone.

The Enemy Within: Unlike most other schools, we encourage you to treat your fellow classmates as nothing more than roadblocks between you and your dream job back in New York. In order to succeed at Fuqua, you will need to be willing to trample over your friends and family for your own personal gain. We will give you useful tips, including: how to make others look bad in front of recruiters, sabotaging classmates’ projects and making sure your roommate has explosive diarrhea on the morning of 2nd round interviews.

From Average to Blah: We believe that having a personality can only get you in trouble in the long-run. In order to assimilate into our culture here at Fuqua, we ask you to leave all individualism at the door. While this may have a negative effect on the prior relationships you’ve developed over the years, we urge you to leave them all behind and join us. You’re now among like-minded individuals whose only goal is to get the best available I-Banking job after graduation. Start working on being boring now. You’ll thank us later.

UNC Sux 101: This is one of our most popular seminars every year. In this hour-long session, we will cover ways in which you can make fun of the neighboring school to our south. Since most of you had never even been to North Carolina before enrolling in our program, we will give you tips in criticizing America’s first state university. We will provide you with the basic jokes, including: Agriculture-themed curricula, having a lighter shade of blue, “What the hell is a Tar Heel anyway?” and “safety school”. Time permitting, we will also cover “yo mama” and “you might be a redneck if…” jokes.

Be Your Own Borat: Inspired by an actual student presentation, all incoming Fuqua students are encouraged to embrace the hilarious antics of Sacha Baron Cohen’s “Borat” character. This seminar will teach you how to create completely unoriginal Borat-themed comedies. Don’t be the last member of your family to imitate Baron’s wacky antics. Jagshemash!

Surviving Durham: Led by retired General Tommy Franks, this session will help you prepare for life in Durham. Using survival tactics developed by his soldiers in Fallujah and the mountains of Afghanistan, Gen. Franks will teach you how to protect yourself from the snipers and mortar attacks frequently seen in and around Durham; live ordinance training will be included. Using his techniques, you will be able to safely travel to Durham’s 9th Street, home to over 3 restaurants, 2 bookstores, a thrift store, and a coffee shop.

Unleashing Your “Inner” Dook Student: Our final session will illustrate how to redesign yourself using everything learned thus far in Orientation. We will use elements of prior sessions to develop whichever type of self-centered douchebag is right for you. Local exotic dancers will be on hand to test the extent of your transition from “Dook potential” to “Dook material”.